[muse] Wasted on the Young

[jrising]

There was such a bad reaction to Jim that I'm going to go with James instead. I won't stop anyone from using Jimmy, but I'm going to change what I call myself. There are endless silly pros and cons and more exciting options, but hey, it's just a name.

I've been thinking about youth.

I'm in awe of a friend of mine. She has a husband, a career, a house, a dog; she's had a history of excellence in Rocky and been a leader of the community since before I joined. She approaches life as a vibrant adult, grounded but still growing. So I've always looked to her as a role model. And she's a year younger than me.

Some part of me still conceives of myself as a student, a youth, a troublemaker without a cause and without the wherewithal to be a true rebel. When I teach or organize or lead, it's with a tongue in cheek chic of a boy among boys. I have the experience and understanding to do more. And the capacity to take the endless responsibility and the responsibility to do it to my full capacity.

But there's plenty of time to be old. I never want to stop adventuring with life. I love my younger friends as peers, and I think rightly so: I'm always being impressed by their initiative, maturity, and experience. I don't want to give up my million playtime projects or get a job with a title that pretends to define me. I don't want to settle, or even settle in.

The brochure for life doesn't advertise any good packages for this. I want the best of both youth and adulthood. I'm supposed to be getting a pet (if not a child), a car (if not a house), start drinking beer regularly, stop getting too excited. But I don't want to be a tree: I'm a pond plant, growing deep roots while still living in a totally fluid world.

And it's not just me. The brochure we got was out of date when we were born. We need a new paradigm. A phase in life that acknowledges how changeable things are in the era of the internet, where people discover new interests, communities, careers, selves every five years.

I'm writing up a description of who I am when I'm at my best, in my zone, getting the most out of the incredible life I've already built and discovered around me. I want that to be James. Maybe it's time to re-read King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.

Thoughts? Is it a bore to read my inner musings? I know others are in similar situations: has anyone else found such a paradigm?

Comments

[honeyartichoke.livejournal.com]

I still find it surprising when people refer to me as an authority in something. Not in the sense that I don't have knowledge and experience to be that, but rather, I'm not used to being perceived as an authority. For example - i was surprised by my own reaction when someone referred to me as sempai in my japanese study group (and I am, but it shocked me, as i'm not used to people viewing me that way).

I think our society conditions us to think a mature person, or adult, is supposed to be firm decisive and certain of everything. Which does not leave much room for learning and adapting; leaders are not supposed to change their mind, cause that seems weak and that sort of sentiment.

For instance at work, it may be a soft-spoken manner, or my young looks, that get me treated less seriously than I think i deserve - so I have to make a conscious effort to "act the part" of the expert - meaning the manner and delivery. Naturally i would rather guide than lead - make suggestions than tell people what to do, quietly take on responsibility, but more often than not, it's too easy for someone with more "leader like" manner to hijack the whole thing.

So when you talk about leading as boy among boys - it feels like it's no less a good way to lead. it gets one less recognition though. maybe it also depends on what you mean when you say "more" in that context. an authoritarian leader can get more accomplished, as we all know from world history.

i had some trouble with this post, writing down my thoughts in some sort of coherent logical form... (i sorta give up here) and it didn't even go on about continuing to grow, rather than rigidifying - and feeling that it's okay as an adult; and that one does not have to conform to all those things to be adult. I think it's more about - over time one's capacity to do, support, and deal with things increases - and that to me is the development as an adult. And it's funny to think of child/adult states as 0/1 - i feel it's more of a continuum - I'm not so drastically one person at 21 and another at 25, etc - though, 10 years later there are things i would have done differently - having changed over time.

i'll stop my ramblings here.